Distraction
by Scintillula
Summary: I loved you, did you know that? Even now, as we lose ourselves to pain and to nothingness, as we once lost ourselves to the games. And I know too, that it's still not enough. I'm sorry, my love, I suppose this is goodbye.


**Distraction**

You spend your time slashing beneath the mountain now. Most other Pokémon fear that you are insane, and they are probably right. It is merely guilt that compels me to come find you? No, we both know that isn't all. But I did this to you, and am truly sorry. However, I know that you are beyond help. Is it kinder to let you waste away beneath the mountain? Trying to dig a hole deep enough to hide your shame? Or is it kinder to kill you now, to end this? This guilt, I wonder if I will kill myself or not. I realize it hardly matters to me anymore. I am numb, I have pushed everything back, and I too have hidden my shame. Only while you reverted to insanity and attempted to hide your feelings within the rock, I collapsed into myself. I can't think clearly anymore, I do not feel joy or pain or fear. I need to wake up.

I wonder why I go down there now, that place I swore I'd never go. But here I am looking for you. Following you anywhere, even this place. I can hear your screaming now. You sound so mad. Don't you know it does no good? It only comes back all the stronger if you suppress it. I know you can hear me, and now you dig faster, cutting the rock with your bloody claws. I can hear it dripping onto the gem-studded floor; I can smell the delicious, metallic sent. Don't you know how stupid this is? Your pride killed you, not me. It was never me, it was you.

Why did I come here? You may be mad, but at least you can think. At least you remember, it is so hard to remember...

When I first met you, I was amazed. I wanted you, and I am deceit, of course I was to have you. Anyone else in the world would call us evil, ruthless, a curse, the scorn upon the world. They do not understand, pretense, trickery, manipulation, it is an art. Bloodlust, it is part of our nature, who is to have us suppress our natural cravings? They are under the illusion that we can change, or that we would even want to? Who rejects their nature? Only cowards do, and they are the worst kind. We are killers, and we embrace that fact. What about us makes us so hated? We can feel too, you know. We can be, we can love and cry. We die too, so why are we so inferior? We are a part of nature too; we are part of the cycle. Without us there would be chaos. For eons it has been like this, and it should be accepted.

Most like us are solitary. If we do work in groups, we feel little compassion, even for our own kind. I wanted you when I saw you, but I did not love you. No, that takes time; you have to stew in your own lovesick juices first. You have to want more than a mate; you have to want a friend. I needed to relate to someone, and there you were, banished from your own icy kingdom. Come down from the badlands to my mountain, were you now dwell. Deep inside the heart of the mountain, with the glistening jewels that the Sableye used to fest upon. You slaughtered them in your rage. The outside-dwellers, the prey-creatures that live in the open, they whisper about you. Some can hear you, on nights when it is very quiet. They can hear you screaming, even though hundreds of feet of rock, you find no solace for your pain. I am sorry, my friend. Truly.

I know you do not trust me. I cannot lie to you and then ask you to trust me. You should have guessed I would betray you. It is all a game, don't you see? Everything is a game. We were the masters, and I wanted to win more than I loved you. I am sorry; I regretted it before it was even over. I knew you would find out, but I tried to hide it. Does that count as something to you? Would anything at this point? You were soft, weak. I was strong; I put my feeling aside for the sake of the game. I need to win, can't you see? That is my purpose, to win. And you my friend, you were my only worthy opponent. The thrill of a challenge, it was too much to resist. And I stabbed the back of the only true friend I ever had. Would it have lasted? Without the game to bind us to each other, would there have been an _us_? I think we could have been happy, if only we weren't so much the same.

When I talk to you I hear only my own words echoed back at me. Is this how it was to be? Can we only love ourselves, are we that vain? Must we see our duplicate in another form? Are you merely my counterpart? Your species is different than mine, but our minds are the same. Our unique way of thinking is no longer unique. There are now two bad guys. But we are the same, too much, I think. I have ambition, so do you. I am full of delusion, and you are a master of deception. I am malicious, and you are malevolent. We are as close to the same thing as possible, while not being a reflection in a mirror.

So what happens now? I walk down your tunnel, bloodstained and irregular, only to kill you and kill myself. I cannot believe it will end this way. I do not want this, I wanted you. But I destroyed us, and now you have nothing left. You gave up your people, your pride, everything your life had been based upon. Weavile are cold and ruthless and do not feel, and so you could not love me and go back to them. But you loved me enough to forsake everything, to take a chance that I would walk down the path of shame and ridicule with you.

And I did not. I, who had nothing to loose. I am ashamed, really I am. I know you still love me, but you hate me too much for what I did. The sickest thing is that you love me for being more heartless than yourself. You respect me for betraying you; you love me all the more because I am a terrible being. And, somehow, I loved you for being an equal. But... you are more than I. You have a soul, of that I am sure. You are better than I will ever be. You are the only one I have ever loved, and I still could not give up anything for you. You laid down everything for me, and I snatched up the opportunity for myself. I could not even stop at doing nothing, no; I had to betray your trust. I had to stab your little black heart hard enough to make it bleed. It killed you, didn't it? It twisted your mind, your own self-image, and then broke it into a thousand pieces. I would have helped you pick them back up, but I do not have an example to go by. You cared about me, and I did not love you enough to ever admit to that. I am sorry, my only friend. My equal, truly you are the only one who has come close to beating me at my game.

As I walk deeper into the shadows, I catch my image in a flash of water. And I can see that my face is a mask of deceit tonight. I walk with my head held high, for what I do not know. I lost my pride the day I turned my back on you. And there you stand, broken, but still defiant. You tremble with rage, you have spent the rest of your life trying to hide and forget. Don't you know that this wound goes too deep? The blood flows freely; this is not a wound you can patch. We both tried though, you cut apart the earth and I lost myself to nothingness. I want you to hate me; I want you to scream at me and try to fight me. I want you to kill me; I want to make the pain go away. You hate yourself for trusting me, and I hate myself for betraying you. We still love each other, and we are still equals. Your face twists into an insane, broken smirk.

"I win, Mawile" you say simply, and plunge your claws back into the rock.

I stare at you for a moment, and then nod once. My own smile is the figure of hysteria. I broke down, I gave up. I went down to you, and crossed onto your level. I just told you everything I could never say. I told you I love you, I told you I'm sorry, and that will have to be enough for us. I can't turn back time, I can't make things right. We both know that leaving this place would be impossible for us. We have chosen what we must, you choose to carve out the earth, and I choose to forget. I am free to forget now. I owe you more than I have, but at least you know. I can slowly fade away, lost to time. I do not have to remember anything. You are much kinder than I am, even now, when everything is broken beyond repair.

I want to forget, remembering is too painful. You can distract yourself for the rest of your life. Death is not an escape, and we must bear our shame in our own way. I will take the easy way out; I will pretend it never happened. And you... you choose to live with it. I know why, and it kills me inside. You love me too much to ever forget me; you choose to take all the pain that comes with those memories of us. I do not love you enough to want to remember and this too, you must know. I just told you everything I did not have the strength to say.

Goodbye, my only friend. I still love you.

**I really don't know where this came from. It made me feel a lot better to write, sorry its so angst-y and depressing.**


End file.
